The Play
by Firefly-Maj
Summary: What if the LotR-characters were to play the most popular fanfiction-storyline, with Gandalf being their director? AU, very funny. Although I truly love our favourite elf, it could not stop me from writing this...


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original characters or storylines and am not making any money with this.

The quote "why don´t you just nail my head to the floor" is borrowed from Monty Python´s Flying Circus.

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**What if the LotR-characters were to play one of the most popular fanfiction-storylines, with Gandalf being their director?**

**Find out...**

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Legolas: "Yay! I´ve always wanted to be an actor!"

Aragorn: "I don´t quite see the point in this."

Legolas (exitedly): "I´ve already read a lot of books about acting, and I can recite several poems by heart!"

Gandalf: "Okay, everybody, listen up!"

Legolas (whispers): "I should have seen this coming. The director often assumes an air of importance-"

Aragorn: "Will you please be quiet? I can´t hear what he says."

Legolas: "Ph... You´re only afraid that I might be a better actor than you are!"

Gandalf: "As it is, we only have one orc who volunteered, so he will play the main captor forward slash torturer."

Orc (grins shyly): "Hi...my name is Robert."

Legolas: "Ts..."

--

Gandalf: "Okay. We will start with the scenes in the dungeons. Legolas, pretend to be unconscious!"

Legolas (breathes in deeply): "I can do this!" (goes limp)

Gandalf (encouragingly): "Very good! _Go Legolas_!"

Legolas (opens one eye): "What? Where?"

Gandalf (sighs): "Just ignore me... Okay, er...what´s your name again?" (Points at orc)

--

A strange noise appears.

Gandalf: "What now?"

Aragorn: "Sounded like a duck."

Legolas (offended): "I´m practicing my yelp!"

Gandalf: "Be a good boy and practice it over there, will you?"

Legolas: "Great. Fine. Excellent. Why don´t you just nail my head to the floor if you hate me so much!" (stalks off, sulking)

--

Gandalf: "Where were we?"

Orc: "You pointed to me. I found that a little rude, by the way."

Gandalf: "Big deal! Okay, you go and kick Aragorn. And don´t forget to growl menacingly!"

Orc: kicks Aragorn.

Aragorn: "Ow! Just _pretend_, you idiot!

Orc: mumbles something and shuffles his feet.

Gandalf: "Try it again, please!"

Orc: tries again.

Silence.

Gandalf (stroking his beard): "I don´t mean to be rude, but... that looked like ballet! And you didn´t growl!"

Orc (hurt): "But you wanted me to pretend! I tried to be careful!

Gandalf: "Yes, but can´t you do it a bit more... forcefully?"

Orc: "I´ll try..."

Aragorn: "Uh oh..."

Orc: tries again.

Aragorn: yelps

Legolas appears: "Okay, _who_ stole my line just now?"

Gandalf (impatiently): "No one did, go back to your practicing!"

Legolas: "I´m already done! Listen!" Yelps.

Silence.

Aragorn: "Sounded like a moose this time."

Legolas: "I KNEW it! You stole my line and _now_ you´re just jealous!"

Gandalf (stroking his beard again while Legolas and Aragorn bicker): "Hm...I think I´ve got an idea. Legolas? Can you do the moo- er- _yelp_ again?"

Legolas (pleased): "Why, yes, of course!" Briefly turns round to Aragorn: "HA!" Yelps.

Gandalf: "Good... now...can you pretend to kick Aragorn?"

Legolas (surprised): "Certainly! But... why?"

Gandalf: "Just think of it as a kind of acting challenge."

Legolas (flattered): "I knew I was making great progress!" Pretends to kick Aragorn.

Gandalf (clapping): "Perfect! Now... Robert- please go to the make-up van and ask them to fit you into a blond wig..."

Aragorn: "Gandalf! Are you planning on-"

Gandalf: "Shshsh, I´m just trying something here." Rubs his hands expectantly.

The orc returns, sporting a blond wig with braids.

All: snicker

Orc: growls

Gandalf: "This is going to be good...Legolas, my lad, I want you to go to the make-up van as well and ask them to fit you into an orc mask."

Legolas: "Okay!" hops off

Gandalf: " ? That was easy..."

Legolas (comes back): "_Wait a moment_! You want me to do _what_?"

Gandalf (sighs): "I should have known..."

Legolas: "Why do you want me to play an orc?"

Gandalf: "Look. Robert has an astonishing grace and is simply perfect for playing a prissy elf, whereas you have practised a perfect growl-"

Legolas: ?

Gandalf: "I mean your yelp. _But _what´s way more important: you can _perfectly_ pretend to kick Aragorn without actually hurting him!"

At this, the orc and the elf start to talk simultaneously: "...certainly can_not_ wear a stinking mask..." "...blond does not really suit my complexion..." "...completely ignoring my acting abilities..." "...am no prancy elf..." "...all have dirty fingernails..." "...stupid wig itches..."

Gandalf (raises his staff): "Silence!"

All: silent

Gandalf: "You will do as I say or I will leave!"

Legolas: "Well, that´s negotiable..."

Gandalf (quickly): "AND I will get the Balrog for a replacement!"

--

Half an hour later.

Robert: "Is it okay like this or am I too heavy?"

Aragorn: "Don´t worry... and I hadn´t expected you to smell like flowers."

Robert (blushing): "Oh, you know... one tries. Do you really not think blond makes me look too pale?"

Gandalf: "Get ready for the next scene! And- ACTION!"

Orc: "Fear not, mellon nin, I still have hope!"

Legolas (storms in): "Bwahahaharhar! You filthy maggots; no one can save you now! Urgh! My mask _really_ stinks, I think I might throw up!"

Gandalf: "CUT! Legolas, stop complaining! You´re not a prissy elf anymore, you´re an orc now! Orcs don´t mind bad smells-"

Robert: "And what´s that supposed to mean?"

Gandalf: "Whatever! Now! Get ready... and Action!"

Legolas: "Er...you filthy maggots! _I can do this_... No one can save you now because..._what was it_... because... _think, Leggy, think_... because before the twins will find you, you will be dead! Har!"

Gandalf: "Cut!! _No no no no no no no no no_- Legolas! Go and read your text again! And _stop _MUMBLING, for Valar´s sake!"

Legolas: "Ph..."

--

Gandalf (takes deep breath): "Okay. We can carry on with the next scene until Legolas has memorized his lines-

Legolas: "Done!"

Gandalf: ? "That was quick!"

Legolas: "That´s all due to discipline and hard work! Attitude, see?"

Gandalf: "Uhu... Well...then on with our scene. Ready? ACTION!"

Legolas: "Bwahahaharhar! You filthy maggots! No one can save you now, ´cause they will never find you! Bwahahaharhar!"

Robert: "Leave us alone!" (wailing)

Legolas (offended): "Hey! I certainly do _not_ sound like that!"

Gandalf: "You do, too."

Legolas: "No, I don´t! And I won´t carry on until you take it back!"(crosses his arms and taps his foot)

Gandalf (rolling his eyes): "Either you stop sulking or you´re out!"

Legolas (gasps): "Fine!" (stomps out. Comes back in): "Bwahaharhar! You filthy magpies- no, that´s not it-- hm...this is peculiar... can anyone give me a hint?"

All (bored): "Bwahahaharhar!Youfilthymaggots!Noonecansaveyounowcausetheywillneverfindyou!"

Legolas (confused): "Thank you. But somehow I think there´s missing something-"

All: "Bwahahaharhar!"

Legolas: "Oooookay, now... One, two... hey, Gandalf! Say _Action_!"

Gandalf: "Whatever..."

Legolas: "Bwahahaharhar! You filthy maggots! No one can save you now, because they will never find you! Bwahahaharhar!"

Robert: "Leave us alone!"

Silence.

Robert (whispers): "Aragorn! Your line!"

Aragorn (sleepily): "What? Oh... I have fallen asleep. Sorry. Ahem._ Er_... Legolas- don´t upset him!"

Legolas: "_WHAT _have I done _now_?"

Gandalf (wildly): "NOT YOU! That was Aragorn´s _line_!"

Legolas: "Gee, this is confusing..."

Gandalf: "Everybody, please concentrate! _Action_..."

Silence.

Robert: "Aragorn?"

Aragorn: "Sorry... I fell asleep again..."

Gandalf (burying his face in his hands): "What have I done to deserve this..."

--

**The End**

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_Legolas-Fans_: I´m sorry, I´m sorry, I´m sorry, I really do love Legolas (I think he´s great), so please forgive me for not being able to resist making fun of him nevertheless (hides behind Aragorn)...

_Fellow Authors_: Sorry for also making fun of _us_! A little demon has whispered the words in my ear...

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End file.
